It's me. I have to tell you, I've been drained and fatigued and paralyzed by too much. Writing? Shit. My creative flow just isn't there. That side of my brain feels like someone stuffed a sock in it. A sock filled with task after task after task after task.
Quite honestly, last week I was ready to run away.
Don't let all the Facebook love and fun fool you. I have been drowning in overwhelm. Let me point out the irony. I have all my value reminders written down in my planner because I am the kind of woman who aims to live with intention.
I am an expert at telling others how to do this. I am queen bee when it comes to reading all of the books and believing all the philosophies. Simplicity. Minimalism. Saying no to too much and yes to yourself. I subscribe. I believe. I preach. One of my favorite quotes is "stop the glorification of busy". Oh yes, that would be me on my holier than thou simplicity throne. Yet here I am, condemning it...but still so fucking busy.
I take antidepressants for severe PMS. Let me tell you a secret. Last week I was so riddled with anxiety, I doubled up my dose. That is a flaming red flag that I am living outside of my value set.
When what you do and how you behave is not aligned with your highest values (priorities for life) then that is when things begin feeling somewhat uncomfortable and painful. You feel unfulfilled, dissatisfied and maybe just downright miserable, and you probably don’t even realize why you’re feeling this way.
So maybe starting a business while also having a full time job and a family including a daughter in her senior year of high school wasn't the sanest idea in the world, but hey.... I'm a leap and the net will appear kind of gal. I thought I could sacrifice for a little while with the busy-ness that would surely be essential with making a dream come true. I didn't even consider regular life management, my kids' futures, their school lives and health concerns, the time it takes to figure out the frustrating trickery of health insurance, spending time with the people who are important to me (my husband, kids, parents, and friends), keeping finances in check, making chore lists, buying birthday gifts, taking my vitamins, eating healthy, exercising, paying parking tickets, returning library books on time, remembering to rub progesterone cream on my inner thigh on day 10 through 26 of my hormonal cycle. Jesus. Who has time for a job anyways!?
My life is full guys. For that I am grateful.
However, I'm having a tough time because I need and require down time. I keep wanting to accomplish more and I keep wanting to slow down. My value is that I want a simplified life with free space and alone time, yet I am driven to accomplish more and a lot and too much. I just want to achieve eudamonic well being. I just want to change the world. Something's gotta give.
If I sound like a martyr, please don't take it that way.... It's just that I think it's important to share that I'm struggling. When people tell me they don't know how I'm managing to do it all, it's important to know the truth. My values aren't aligning with my calendar. I keep adding things I want and need to do and I'm not subtracting. For those not aware, the peace is in the subtracting.
"Whether we live in our true or false self depends on our willingness to stay real. And so, over time, staying real becomes the work of keeping our actions in the world connected to the truth of our inner being, allowing our True Self to see the light of day." ~ Mark Nepo
So anyways, SOS.
I need an intervention. I keep looking for some kind of relief outside of myself. Cues from the universe. Magical answers from a mystic. Surely someone else sees things more clearly than me. No doubt, there is a cure for being spread too thin.
I recognize that I need to prioritize some self care. I recognize that we all need it. Life runs us down and we need to restore. I will be closing the doors of Andrea and shutting out any responsibilities or expectations. I will commit to let everything else go for these three days and prioritize the self care that I need.
I have such an amazing group of friends! Such a powerful collective of feminine power and wisdom. Right now, more than ever, I'm allowing all of the creative, insightful, talented, and wonderful women who have wholeheartedly been there for me, to keep me in tune and on track with my true self. We all need a team, a tribe to help us through. I thank you all for the love and light that you bring.