I have to admit that I find myself at an age that seems far too old for me. It's not about the superficial side of the actual aging part...... although of course there's that piece of vanity that will always live inside me. Is is too much to ask to find some jeans that make my 47 year old ass look good for god's sake!
It's more about wait.... how did I get here so fast?! Intellectually and spiritually, I understand that so much is still ahead of me and it's also right here in this moment.... I just sometimes get caught up in the sentiment of before and yesterday. I heard a song a few weeks ago that made my heart stop. Sweet Baby James by James Taylor. It took me straight back to my freshman year of college when my roommates and I used to listen to that song every night while we were falling asleep. It feels like a whole other lifetime ago. I get caught in a tiny panic every now and then as it hits me that I am beyond an age where everything is ahead of me. Like when I see moms pushing their babies in strollers and dads picking up their kids from school and that part of my life is over. I don't mean to be so dramatic. I mean I'm still not old. (I'm middle aged - hooray!) It is just difficult to see all the years that are behind me now and how quickly it all happened.
Also, I'm showings signs of being older than I ever imagined myself to be. I know you can relate.... right?! With my glasses and grays, things are changing. When the clothes from the 80s are back in style but you try them on and your body has shall we say..... developed. It can be disheartening. Remember when WE used to rock those high waisted jeans and crop tops!? It was years times a lot ago.
It may sound like I'm experiencing a midlife crisis but that's not accurate. I absolutely love this stage of life where I am wiser with a greater sense of self awareness, and a state of consciousness that is more evolved. I am lucky to know myself so well and even luckier to love who I am. I don't want to be younger for the sake of being younger. The reason I sometimes find myself wanting to turn back time is simply because I want to squeeze every piece of me out into this one juicy life.
In my 48th year, I wish to be creative and adventurous and do important things. I also wish to be quiet and soft and do gentle things. I am still tormented by possibility and forever torn between ambition and freedom. I believe in shining my light and being wonderstruck each and every day. I feel immense gratitude for my family, my friends, my job, my health, and my home. If you need me, you can always find me over here getting deep about ordinary things and also.... leaping and twirling. <3