Uncrushed

I haven't written in so long.   The intensity and drama and movie of my life has been filled with so much of everything..there was just too much to feel...and nothing to say

.

Today I am ready to say this.

I am starting over. from scratch.  as a single mother.

Sometimes I feel sorry for myself.

It's scary and difficult for a girl with a chaotic mind.

yet it's also liberating and exciting to be able to create a whole new life with different choices based on the experiences that have led me to this place in time

.

If right now was five years ago...things would be easier.  Our place in the world back then, just like everyone else's was more secure. Jobs were easier to come by...and our finances ......existed.

But it's not five years ago. It's now. 2011. There have been layoffs and downturns and moves and mistakes. We were once an upwardly mobile family committed to building our future, doing all the right things, dreaming bright dreams...

.

and NOW..

Never mind the broken hearted nonsense of tears, pain, and depression.  We who are no longer "we" are left with a whole lot of nothing to split right down the middle.

and that leaves me in a bit of a predicament.

that leaves me.....

forced to learn how to be a penny pincher

with less time to devote to my dreams

hopelessly aware of all that I took for granted

thinking of what I can sell for money....my wedding dress, my diamond ring...my kids, my body.

Shit.

BUT...

the Leap and Twirl Girl in me is aware that....

When I'm in my life...just living it..like I do..

I feel GOOD about my choices, my plans, my moments in this world, despite the loss of my marriage and the death of my idealism .

....I feel satisfied in my core because I'm following my inner voice...because I'm getting through a loss..heading into a new direction of my life which will be richer in truth and spirit.

I'm proud of me for who I am, and knowing what's important to me, knowing what I 'm not willing to live with, knowing that I can live... without.

I'm proud of me..facing loss and struggle to get to a more fulfilling place...when it would be so much easier to just settle for the sake of safety and security.

I'm in love with my life...my small, humble, and charming home that I fill with love, creativity and ambiance for my daughters. I have friends and loved ones who share wonderful moments, a ton of laughs, deep connections.

I'm proud of my place in the world in which I can contribute and make a difference in my community, promoting resiliency and strength, helping girls become proud of who they are and to understand that they alone, deep in their core, know exactly what's right for them...

....a significant reminder reflectively helping heal the parts of me that are sometimes scared and unsure.

"You must meet the outer world with the inner world or existence will crush you." ~Mark Nepo